Don't I look like I want to punch you in the face? Or maybe just claw you with that dry tree branch I call a hand.Actually, that was me last week. You don't want to see what I look like today, it's not pretty. I may or may not have showered today but that's for me to know and you to ignore.
Anyway. I've looked long and hard at that picture, I even went back and forth as to whether I was going to post it because, frankly, I don't really like myself in pictures. Probably because I still think of myself as being 23, which I am so far away from. Okay, not so far away from, I'm only thirty*cough*something, but I swear I was just 23 yesterday. I don't know where that girl went but I'd like to have a long talk with her about sunscreen.
When I see a picture of myself these days I'm amazed at how much I'm beginning to look like my mom. Don't get me wrong this is not a bad thing, but I didn't grow up looking like my mom. And yet, here I am - I'm my mom. For most that wouldn't be so bad, just an inevitability of life, but my mom has been gone five years next month.
Gone. I really need to stop mincing words. She died almost five years ago of colon cancer. She was only 52 years old.
The point I was getting at is it's really disconcerting to look in the mirror and see a dead woman, the one person on earth you would give almost anything to see again if only for ten minutes. The person who heavily influenced the woman you have grown into. The mother you spent most of your life trying to impress and now when you finally have something that would truly knock her socks off - two beautiful babies, two incredibly clever girls - she's not around to see what you've created. It also doesn't do much to inspire happiness, instead it's a constant reminder of what's missing from my life.
Well, that was a downer, wasn't it?
I don't really feel like getting into the other reasons I don't like pictures of myself because, oh my gawd, that's going to take a lot of soul searching before I share that crap with the internet. My reasons for posting that picture are fairly shallow: I'd like something to compare to when I finish this year. Will I still look so gloomy? Will I dare try to wear something other than gray? Will I finally get the nerve to be a redhead? I don't want to get too ambitious too soon, though. Maybe I'll just start by wearing something that doesn't have a turtleneck.