Sunday, January 11, 2009

This is me

Just so you have some frame of reference, this is me today:

Don't I look like I want to punch you in the face? Or maybe just claw you with that dry tree branch I call a hand.

Actually, that was me last week. You don't want to see what I look like today, it's not pretty. I may or may not have showered today but that's for me to know and you to ignore.

Anyway. I've looked long and hard at that picture, I even went back and forth as to whether I was going to post it because, frankly, I don't really like myself in pictures. Probably because I still think of myself as being 23, which I am so far away from. Okay, not so far away from, I'm only thirty*cough*something, but I swear I was just 23 yesterday. I don't know where that girl went but I'd like to have a long talk with her about sunscreen.

When I see a picture of myself these days I'm amazed at how much I'm beginning to look like my mom. Don't get me wrong this is not a bad thing, but I didn't grow up looking like my mom. And yet, here I am - I'm my mom. For most that wouldn't be so bad, just an inevitability of life, but my mom has been gone five years next month.

Gone. I really need to stop mincing words. She died almost five years ago of colon cancer. She was only 52 years old.

The point I was getting at is it's really disconcerting to look in the mirror and see a dead woman, the one person on earth you would give almost anything to see again if only for ten minutes. The person who heavily influenced the woman you have grown into. The mother you spent most of your life trying to impress and now when you finally have something that would truly knock her socks off - two beautiful babies, two incredibly clever girls - she's not around to see what you've created. It also doesn't do much to inspire happiness, instead it's a constant reminder of what's missing from my life.

Well, that was a downer, wasn't it?

I don't really feel like getting into the other reasons I don't like pictures of myself because, oh my gawd, that's going to take a lot of soul searching before I share that crap with the internet. My reasons for posting that picture are fairly shallow: I'd like something to compare to when I finish this year. Will I still look so gloomy? Will I dare try to wear something other than gray? Will I finally get the nerve to be a redhead? I don't want to get too ambitious too soon, though. Maybe I'll just start by wearing something that doesn't have a turtleneck.


NotAMeanGirl said...


I find it AMAZING that you find fault with how you look. Yes, you look sad or weighed down but that's your emotional state.

I would KILL to look as good as you do hon. You're a beautiful lady. Try to realize that. No matter who you look like... you are YOU and you control where and when and why life goes where it does.

I wish I could give you a hug and some comfort... but no one can at this point. I will offer you this though... A shoulder anytime you need it.

For what it's worth, I've been where you are... I've been in that head space before and probably will be again some day. You are in my thoughts and prayers hon.


Fairly Odd Mother said...

First, I've been a redhead, and it is super fun and you would look awesome.

Second, I think you are a beautiful person and know your mother would be thrilled to see you today. You lost her way too young.

And, if you decide to get out of the grays and blacks, will you take me shopping with you? I could use an intervention in that department too.

Whirlwind said...

I think it's a beautiful picture. Seriously. I can only hope I look 1/2 that good when I'm thirty!

Hell, just looking at recent pictures of myself makes me realize how far past due I am for a wax. And the bags under my eyes. ughh.

Your beautiful.

You do, however look down. But you'll get your happy back soon. I know you will.

d e v a n said...

1 - I'm sorry about your mom. I can see why that gets you down.
2 - You are beautiful and you look good in grey.
3 - Tomorrow, make an appointment for a hair coloring. You would look AMAZING as a redhead.

Heather said...

You are beautiful. No doubt.

Elle Dubya said...

i hope one day you find happy when you look in the mirror, see yourself first, your mother second and THAT makes you happy.

Tuesday Girl said...

You are beautiful, and beauty comes from within.

Chose to be happy. At least that is what I am trying to do myself.

Heather said...

Many hugs!!! You are gorgeous!!

On a side note-I was wondering why you had a little mickey mouse glove on the breast of your shirt pointing at you-then I realized it was my cursor. Gosh I love Mondays.

Anonymous said...

I was looking at your picture without reading the entry and all I could think of was how much you look like mom. You've got the Bren face down pat, my dear sister, even better than me.

Anonymous said...

You are so beautiful! And you look like you're strawberry blonde in that pic but I'm guessing you want to go more red? I went red at 17 and NEVER looked back. Probably one of the smartest decisions of my life! (Although now at 33 I'm terrified to find out what my natural colour looks like). In fact most people think I'm a natural redhead and I have very similar colouring to you.

Happiness is not easy (and today I too am deep in the depths of unhappiness) but you inspire me with your journey. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think time doesn't heal loss at all. Five years is long enough to know how much your mom is missing out on in your life and that's hard and sad and I feel for you. My best friend died ten years ago (it's really not comparable to losing your mom, for sure), and after becoming a mom and now that my kids are getting older, I want even more to be able to talk with her.

You photo is beautiful, striking, evocative and so so honest. Thank you for sharing it!

Anonymous said...

I am one of those youthful sprites in their 20s, and I will tell you this - I meet people my age & younger every day who do not have the external or internal beauty that you have. You are gorgeous -- in external structure (you have a beautiful face -- for real! a slim build women would kill for! small feminine hands!), and mind (obviously), regardless of what you think may age and change you.

ewe are here said...

I think you look fantastic...

But I know what you mean about seeing glimpses of your mother when you look in a mirror... a little freaky.

Heather B. said...

GO RED!!! You already look fabulous but RED would look OUTSTANDING!!

And good for you for dropping the pharmaceuticals! I, myself, have never been on them but I have friends that have. The ones that have gotten off say they feel 100 TIMES better! They all say that they had forgotten who they really were! I hope you have a fantastic journey of becoming Happy again!

Briya said...

Well I say you look pretty darn good, if a little sad.

If not red-head maybe a little lighter... I am always cheered by lightening my haircolor. I tend to dye my hair in the winter because that's when I need the most cheering.

Strangely enough, my husband could be the boy version of his mother (whom he lost 15 months ago) and it freaks him out a little bit when people mention it. But in a way, it's kind of just a reminder that she will always be with him.

Chibi said...

Even not-quite-happy-yet, you're beautiful.


SciFi Dad said...

Is it inappropriate of me to say that if you were smiling, that would probably be quite a flattering photo of you?

Regardless, I only say the truth.

MARY G said...

Hey, a candid photo of me would shatter your screen into little glass slivers.
Yep, consider red (and wear it with peach or pale green).
Go, go, go!

Anonymous said...

I never look the way I feel in pictures. It's always a jolt to see what other people apparently see.

I'm recalling the photo of you and me from BlogHer07. You weren't beaming then, but you did look peaceful and relaxed. And no, you weren't drunk.

motherbumper said...

Oh I'll take shallow, as long as I can do it too. Srsly tho', it's difficult seeing yourself the way other do (but I'm loving your curves in that shirt - that's me being creepy guy). But seeing something else in the mirror, something that reminds you of someone else, well that's tough. FWIW, I'd love to look in my mirror and see you instead (you have far superior hair my friend).

Avalon said...

I really doubt-- no matter how beautiful those two little girls are---that they are the only things about you to have impressed your Mom.

Mrs. C, while I truly understand a bit of what you are feeling, you need to give yourself MUCH more credit.

Anonymous said...

I'm not going to simply repeat what the other commenters have said, but I hope that you hear them. ;-)

I know about looking in the mirror and seeing your mother. It's a weird feeling.

Tania said...

We have the same name, are the same age, have the same number and love of dogs, have the same configuration of children, but I really wish I had your hair, red or not. (see, we can even both be shallow!)

Alpaca Farmgirl said...

Personally, I love your moody ponderings. Sorry about your mom. My dad had colon cancer at about the same age. He made it but it was a close one. Have you had your first colonoscopy yet? I'm dreading it.

You have a phenomenal personality! Do go red if you want. It works for me. except the roots thing...who has time for that?

J from Ireland said...

I think you look lovely, a little sad but lovely. I'm so sorry for your loss. Fair play to you for working on your happy.

Jessica B. Howell said...

Losing a mother brings such challenges. The healing process never ends; it just changes.

Thinking of it that way has helped me often.

SUEB0B said...

In the face of all that poignant writing and thoughtfulness...yes, lose the turtleneck.

flutter said...

turtleneck....blech. You, however? gorgeous.

The Stiletto Mom said...

I think you are very pretty. :)

Also, I know how you feel about your mom missing the biggest part. I lost my mom and also have two kids I would have loved for her to see, or to even have attended my wedding. I think you just have to know somewhere she is seeing all of it from afar.

Good luck on your journey. You? As a redhead? Hawt!

Anonymous said...

Every time I try to take a picture of myself, I look like an angry bitch...and personally I don't feel that way...going to hire a find the right lighting!

Anonymous said...

You are very pretty and I agree - would look amazing in red hair! do it!

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