Wednesday, January 21, 2009
House of cards
The most difficult thing about getting happy is breaking down the facade I've built to convince everyone, including myself, that I've got my shit together. It's almost like I've carefully crafted a support out of a house of cards and placed the weight of my life upon it. Unfortunately, as it goes higher and higher there is more danger of toppling over and with it everything fragile will come crashing down and shatter into a million pieces. I didn't have an emergency plan for this when I started building, but I know it's coming.
Just thinking of it is exhausting.
I've spent so much precious time on this house of cards that I'll never get back. With every I'm fine and every faked or forced smile I've added another Jack of spades or 8 of clubs to the top. I've gotten so good at it I barely need to think about where to place the next flimsy paper rectangle. I'm so high atop it the view from up here skews the reality of what's going on everywhere else. But every day brings another threat to my fragile structure; a strong wind, an errant charm bracelet. It's time to fortify or rebuild.
How do I tear away everything I've based my life on so far and start over, and if I do what do I build my solid foundation with?
How do I say, Sometimes I am fine and sometimes I am not. Today I am not. Tomorrow I may be but I'm just guessing?
I've got some pretty strong building blocks - a supportive husband, two happy, healthy kids, and friends I can call on when I need them (if I just let myself).
What do you base your happy on?