Just write (and breathe) and write some more

Damn, this getting happy business is hard.

I meant for this blog to be a journal of me trying to shake this funk and instead it's become a lot like my other blog with its sporadic posting and me trying to convince myself and anyone who reads that my shit? It is so together, yo.

I have to just write. I need to write every day to remind myself that even though I may have spent most of the weekend walking around in a fog and sighing a lot, I do still have some good moments. I need to remind myself of my accomplishments as well as my failures, no matter how mundane. Most of all, I need to stop starring at the blink, blink, blinkity-blink of the cursor while saying Well, fuckall. Who the hell cares anyway?

I care. That's important. Nobody is going to get me out of this but me.

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So, today....

I kept my temper (so far) with my eldest.

My baby, who never falls asleep while nursing, dozed off at my breast. It was all I could do to put her in her bed to finish her nap. That hurt. But it's a nice memory that will keep me warm when she's up again in the middle of the night.

The bathrooms are a mess and I just can't deal.

There's a book next to me that I desperately want to finish.

The sun is shining, it's above freezing and I got the girls out of the house to get supplies to make Valentines.

I did my hair today instead of being lazy and putting on a ball cap.

I just finished off a tub of cheese spread and there are Girl Scout cookies screaming at me from the counter. I won't be able to resist for much longer.

All in all, I'm not feeling as down as I did this weekend. It's not a great day but it's not a bad day either. Tomorrow is another day.

*******

Random picture that makes me happy: Three years ago this week - My oldest daughter, who was around 10 months at the time, and my dog, Fisher.


It made me smile. That's all I can ask for.

House of cards

The most difficult thing about getting happy is breaking down the facade I've built to convince everyone, including myself, that I've got my shit together. It's almost like I've carefully crafted a support out of a house of cards and placed the weight of my life upon it. Unfortunately, as it goes higher and higher there is more danger of toppling over and with it everything fragile will come crashing down and shatter into a million pieces. I didn't have an emergency plan for this when I started building, but I know it's coming.

Just thinking of it is exhausting.

I've spent so much precious time on this house of cards that I'll never get back. With every I'm fine and every faked or forced smile I've added another Jack of spades or 8 of clubs to the top. I've gotten so good at it I barely need to think about where to place the next flimsy paper rectangle. I'm so high atop it the view from up here skews the reality of what's going on everywhere else. But every day brings another threat to my fragile structure; a strong wind, an errant charm bracelet. It's time to fortify or rebuild.

But which?

How do I tear away everything I've based my life on so far and start over, and if I do what do I build my solid foundation with?

How do I say, Sometimes I am fine and sometimes I am not. Today I am not. Tomorrow I may be but I'm just guessing?

I've got some pretty strong building blocks - a supportive husband, two happy, healthy kids, and friends I can call on when I need them (if I just let myself).

What do you base your happy on?

One foot in front of the other

Aw, you guys.

Thanks for the support, both here and by email. It means a lot to know I'm not talking to myself - more than I already do on a daily basis anyway.

The problem with trying to find my happiness is... Uh, where do I start looking? Behind the couch? Nope, just some baby toys and dog hair. Does happiness go the way of lost socks? Do I need a map to find it?

(And don't you love how I keep saying "Lost my happy" instead of just coming out and saying "I'm depressed"? It's like being an addict. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem but if you don't admit to a problem then THERE IS NO PROBLEM. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Today.)

Someone recommended B6. I've read recently a bit about B6 and I think I'll try that and see how it goes. I just need to confirm as a breastfeeding mother that these supplements are safe to take.

Also, Seasonal Affective Disorder (or, SAD. Isn't that adorable?) kicks my ass every year. I should get one of those special lights, like someone else recommended. Maybe two lights. Maybe twenty.

My husband and I started working out last night. Getting healthier helps beat back depression. But do you know what beats back exercise? Pie. On a positive note, the pie is now gone so we don't have that excuse to not work out. Can we have a moment of silence for the pie, though? It was damn good pie.

I'm up for other suggestions to try. Suggest anything that doesn't require a prescription and is still healthy for me and my family and I'll try it. If there's a book to read, I'll read it. If there's a particular work out, I'll do it. It will hurt, but I'll do it. I'll curse the whole time, but I'll do it. I've got to do something, no matter how painful it is (and take the word "painful" with a grain of salt because I'm a wussbag), because it has to be better than the alternative.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up bright and early, because I have to not because I want to, and find something that makes me happy no matter how simple that might be. Baby steps. No matter how unhappy or even content a person is, you should always find something, one thing, that makes you smile.

Tomorrow I will find something out of the ordinary that makes me smile. That's all I can do.