Monday, February 9, 2009

Just write (and breathe) and write some more

Damn, this getting happy business is hard.

I meant for this blog to be a journal of me trying to shake this funk and instead it's become a lot like my other blog with its sporadic posting and me trying to convince myself and anyone who reads that my shit? It is so together, yo.

I have to just write. I need to write every day to remind myself that even though I may have spent most of the weekend walking around in a fog and sighing a lot, I do still have some good moments. I need to remind myself of my accomplishments as well as my failures, no matter how mundane. Most of all, I need to stop starring at the blink, blink, blinkity-blink of the cursor while saying Well, fuckall. Who the hell cares anyway?

I care. That's important. Nobody is going to get me out of this but me.

********

So, today....

I kept my temper (so far) with my eldest.

My baby, who never falls asleep while nursing, dozed off at my breast. It was all I could do to put her in her bed to finish her nap. That hurt. But it's a nice memory that will keep me warm when she's up again in the middle of the night.

The bathrooms are a mess and I just can't deal.

There's a book next to me that I desperately want to finish.

The sun is shining, it's above freezing and I got the girls out of the house to get supplies to make Valentines.

I did my hair today instead of being lazy and putting on a ball cap.

I just finished off a tub of cheese spread and there are Girl Scout cookies screaming at me from the counter. I won't be able to resist for much longer.

All in all, I'm not feeling as down as I did this weekend. It's not a great day but it's not a bad day either. Tomorrow is another day.

*******

Random picture that makes me happy: Three years ago this week - My oldest daughter, who was around 10 months at the time, and my dog, Fisher.


It made me smile. That's all I can ask for.

72 comments:

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Well, I care, so there's something.

And, you know, 'happy' is such a state of mind that I think finding the bright side of little things is better than trying to make huge life changes at once. As your tag says, 'baby steps'.

Emily said...

I agree with Fairly Odd Mother - I'd be seriously freaked out if I (or anyone for that matter) woke up and was all sunshine and roses.

It takes moments - and sometimes those moments add up to minutes or hours or days and sometimes they just don't add up at all.

and I care too. SO there.

Heather said...

**Raising hand** I care too. Count me! Often I don't realize I'm happy (or was happy) until I look back on the moment. Which kind of stinks because I didn't really get to enjoy it.

Laura said...

I just found your blog and I'm enjoying reading it. Really I don't know anyone who's really happy all the time. You are right it's finding the moments. And I have to admit I'm impressed by you having time to do your hair. I am finding less and less time...and I don't even have kids! So call me impressed!

Avalon said...

You got up, you showered, did your hair, got two LITTLE kids out of the house to get supplies to MAKE Valentines!!!

And you don't feel like you accomplish much??

Girl, cut yourself some slack. You're doing A-OK!

motherbumper said...

I find there is a calm that comes with keeping my temper all day with G. It's hard because how the freak they know exactly which buttons to push is beyond me, but when I can go zen on her, all day - I really do feel accomplished.

Okay, I'm rambling but I just want to ... ya know... babble at you, in support.

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